Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
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I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
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No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
It was a blind-side dick pic.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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