She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
These Are 19 of the Most Horrible Strangers People Had to Sit Next to
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great