Texts From Last Night

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  (817): View more from Texas

  You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.

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  (817): You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target. http://tfl.nu/enj6
  Replies (15) Good night (1186) Bad night (3850)
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  You mean bread?

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  (678): All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast? (404): You mean bread? http://tfl.nu/0bp8
  Replies (60) Good night (17469) Bad night (1649)
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  (469): View more from Texas

  Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.

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  (469): Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think. http://tfl.nu/hmzv
  Replies (12) Good night (1026) Bad night (4359)
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip

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  (412): He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip http://tfl.nu/r0us
  Replies (36) Good night (2442) Bad night (6967)
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..

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  (978): Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969.. http://tfl.nu/r5nl
  Replies (18) Good night (1745) Bad night (4306)
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.

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  (901): He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor. http://tfl.nu/qeri
  Replies (20) Good night (1037) Bad night (4342)
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.

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  (815): Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous. http://tfl.nu/vjxc
  Replies (14) Good night (3104) Bad night (1519)
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent

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  (301): Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent http://tfl.nu/21ar
  Replies (8) Good night (3333) Bad night (1837)
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?

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  (414): could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor? http://tfl.nu/bpu5
  Replies (9) Good night (1543) Bad night (1019)
• Favorite

  (707): View more from California

  do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me

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  (707): do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me http://tfl.nu/4f25
  Replies (15) Good night (1958) Bad night (707)
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."

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  (248): So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits." http://tfl.nu/x9en
  Replies (6) Good night (2600) Bad night (790)
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot

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  (301): The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot http://tfl.nu/zrh0
  Replies (0) Good night (706) Bad night (412)
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.

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  (623): It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit. http://tfl.nu/h0fw
  Replies (4) Good night (356) Bad night (851)
• Favorite

  (217): View more from Illinois

  Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?

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  (217): Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob? http://tfl.nu/m7ja
  Replies (1) Good night (612) Bad night (262)
• Favorite

  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go

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  (608): You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go http://tfl.nu/uty9
  Replies (0) Good night (253) Bad night (136)

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