You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?