Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
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The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
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Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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