Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
me + whiskey = a bad person
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
