remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I could fuck to npr.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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