Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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