thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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