I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing