2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"