I wanna passion pit in your ass
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
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someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
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We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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