Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
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we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
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He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello