i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
