I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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