the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
