Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Randomize
