Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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