why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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