Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
