I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
