i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
These 21 People Are Related To Famous Celebrities
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?