mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
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Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.