I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Randomize
