The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
