On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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