I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
