my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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