I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
