dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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