hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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