There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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