Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
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