in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
