Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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