Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year