so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.