Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
