The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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