Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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