Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
