I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
My vagina just clenched in fear
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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