And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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