im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
