yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I could fuck to npr.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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