I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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