Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize