You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
