Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Damn victory sex feels great
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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