You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I queefed so loud it echoed.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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