Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I think my fart just growled at me.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
