better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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