I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
