I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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