Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize