the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
