bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
