I wish my penis had an off switch
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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