Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
