your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize