A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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