Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
