Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
