Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
