i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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